US President Trump Vows to Take Barrenjoey Head for 'National Security'

PALM BEACH, PRNB — Former US President Donald Trump has unveiled what aides are calling “a very strong, very coastal” plan to purchase Barrenjoey Head from the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB), declaring the iconic headland “absolutely critical to American national security” and “basically the Greenland of the South Pacific but with better views.”

Speaking to reporters from what appeared to be a gold-accented gazebo at Mar-a-Lago, Trump confirmed the deal would proceed immediately after the United States finalises its long-delayed purchase of Greenland. “Greenland, Barrenjoey — very similar, incredibly similar” Trump said. “High, lots of rocks, very strategic, incredibly strategic. People don’t know this, but Barrenjoey Head controls, frankly, most of the Pacific Ocean. Maybe all of it, probably all of it. People tell me all the time, smart people.”

Trump went on to describe the Barrenjoey Lighthouse as “one of the tallest lighthouses in the world,” claiming it was originally built by “early Americans” to warn ships about China and Russia.

“That lighthouse? Tremendous lighthouse. People say it’s older than electricity, which is true, and it shoots light, like, miles — maybe into space, I don’t know, NASA loves it.” When pressed about fact checking and negotiations with Minister Belinda Morrison, he commented “she has very big nostrils, I almost got sucked through the phone when we had a call last week, a big nose, almost as big as the headland.” 

A “Beautiful Delighthouse Deal”

According to leaked documents written entirely in capital letters, the proposed acquisition would include Barrenjoey Head, the lighthouse, the surrounding cliffs, and “a reasonable buffer zone extending to Avalon Woollies Metro.”

Trump suggested the US would rename the site “Trump Point Pacific,” adding: “We will keep the lighthouse, obviously. Maybe make it gold, and bigger, much much bigger. Bigger than it is now, and it's already big. Solar-powered. Wind-powered. Very green — greener than Ireland, greener than Greenland.”

PRNB Government Responds

Officials from the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches held an emergency press conference outside a café, armed with reusable coffee cups and several concerned looking dogs.

PRNB Minister for Sovereign Theatre, Belinda ‘No Thanks’ Morrison, was blunt. “Barrenjoey Head is not for sale. It is a sacred site, a national treasure, and frankly we do not trust anyone who thinks it controls the Pacific Ocean.”

However, she confirmed talks had briefly stalled when Trump’s delegation attempted to pay with Mar-a-Lago membership cards and a signed photo of Kid Rock. The PRNB Minister for Treasure and Economic Spin added that while the Republic is always open to “creative economic opportunities,” the offer of “store credit at Mar-a-Lago” was deemed insufficient.

Locals Appalled at the Notion

Reaction among locals was swift and deeply unimpressed. Brad, 47, from Whale Beach, paused mid–barefoot walk across hot asphalt to comment: “Mate, if he thinks he’s getting Barrenjoey, tell him he’s dreaming. We barely let people from Chatswood up here.”

Sally, a long-time Palm Beach resident, was more philosophical. “Honestly, if he can fix the parking around the place, we can talk. Otherwise, it’s a hard no.”

Another local raised concerns about potential changes. “Next thing you know, he’ll put a resort up there or ban surfers. That’s when we riot.”

Trump Doubles Down

Unfazed by resistance, Trump later posted on Truth Social:

“The Northern Beaches are VERY overrated, but Barrenjoey is VERY important. Without it, Australia is basically defenseless. Many people are saying this, a lot of people. We will make Barrenjoey GREAT AGAIN.”

As of press time, the PRNB government confirmed Barrenjoey Head remains firmly in local hands, Greenland remains unsold, and Trump has reportedly shifted his attention to “looking into buying the Coogee Bay Hotel, whether it’s available or not.”

Negotiations are expected to resume never.