Northern Beaches Considers Dugong Lease Program to Pre-Digest Dee Why Seaweed

DEE WHY, People's Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB) — In what officials are calling a “measured, environmentally sensitive and definitely not desperate response,” the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB) is considering a cross-border lease agreement with the neighbouring nation of Sydney to temporarily import dugongs from its municipal aquarium to manage Dee Why’s ongoing seaweed situation.

Under the proposal, the dugongs would be deployed just offshore to consume drifting seaweed before it washes up, rots, smells like low tide regret, and attracts flies large enough to apply for residency. The plan has been framed as a proactive alternative to the current system, which involves waiting several days, issuing three press releases, and hoping the wind changes.

Suprising Tensions Rise Again 

PRNB Environment Minister Tahlia Sunbleach said the dugongs would be “working animals, not freeloaders,” stressing that the lease would include strict performance KPIs. “These dugongs will be expected to eat, swim, and look vaguely noble at all times,” she said. “If they start floating around doing nothing, they’ll be sent back to Sydney with the rest of the underperforming public servants.”

The proposal has unexpectedly reignited long-standing tensions between Dee Why and Manly, after residents once again noted that Manly’s seaweed appears to vanish almost immediately after touching sand.

“It’s amazing, really,” said Dee Why local Brad, 47, who was barefoot, holding a long black  and pointing at the beach. “Manly gets seaweed and it’s gone within hours. Dee Why gets seaweed and it’s treated like heritage-listed infrastructure.”

A PRNB spokesperson clarified that this was not preferential treatment. “Manly’s seaweed is simply… curated,” they said. “It’s handled with sensitivity, care and several unmarked council vehicles at dawn.” Manly Mayor Allegra Linenpants dismissed suggestions of favouritism. “We don’t ‘remove’ seaweed,” she said. “We relocate it. Sometimes to Dee Why. Sometimes spiritually.”

The dugong lease has received cautious support from local politicians, who praised the idea for being both expensive and technically not fixing the underlying issue.

“This is exactly the sort of bold, headline-friendly initiative voters expect,” said Treasurer Hugo Deckchair. “It shows leadership, innovation and a total unwillingness to simply pick the seaweed up.”

Not all residents are convinced. “I didn’t move to Dee Why to live next to a rotting kelp lasagne,” said influencer-adjacent resident Chloe, 29. “But I would accept dugongs if they’re aesthetically pleasing and don’t interrupt my sunrise Pilates content.”

Others were more pragmatic. “Look, if the dugongs can eat the seaweed before it stinks, great,” said retiree Graham. “If they can also explain why Manly’s beach cleaners arrive faster than an Uber Black, even better.”

Final Word

The Aquarium of Sydney confirmed discussions were underway but warned the dugongs were “emotionally sensitive” and may struggle with Northern Beaches politics. “They’re peaceful creatures,” an aquarium spokesperson said. “We’re concerned about exposing them to passive aggression, local Facebook groups and the phrase ‘ratepayer expectations.’” 

A final decision is expected later this month, pending environmental assessments, budget blowouts and whether Manly notices any seaweed mysteriously reappearing.

In the meantime, Dee Why residents have been advised to remain patient, avoid eye contact with the flies, and remember that they are, technically, still living in paradise.