Collaroy Residents Demand Nature be Adjusted Aroudn Their Loungerooms With Seawall

COLLAROY, PRNB -  Residents of Collaroy who built multi-million-dollar homes directly on an active sand dune that has supported the beach since roughly the beginning of time have demanded urgent government protection from the ocean, provided that protection does not in any way acknowledge physics, geology, or their own decisions.

The homeowners, whose houses sit exactly where sand traditionally goes to move, have called for “immediate action” to stop erosion, while also insisting that no sea wall be built because it would “ruin the sand.” The same sand their homes are currently squatting on.

“We love the beach. That’s why we built on top of it,” said local resident and amateur coastal engineer Mark ‘Definitely Did His Own Research’ Collins, gesturing broadly at the collapsing dune beneath his deck. “But now the beach is behaving like a beach, and frankly, we feel betrayed.”

Experts note that the dune system beneath the homes is an active dune — meaning it shifts, absorbs wave energy, and replenishes the beach. Or at least it did, before being excavated, concreted, landscaped, and fitted with infinity pools.

Despite this, residents insist the real environmental villain is the proposed sea wall — a structure only required because the dune was removed to build the homes. “The sea wall will damage the natural movement of sand,” said resident and part-time environmental philosopher Karen Mitchell, whose house is currently replacing several thousand tonnes of that natural sand. “Unlike my house, which is extremely natural. You can tell by the sandstone benchtops.”

Residents have also blamed the sea wall for rising sea levels linked to climate change — a phenomenon that scientists say has absolutely nothing to do with concrete structures that do not yet exist. “If council builds that wall, the ocean will just keep rising out of spite,” said one homeowner. “It's true, I read that on Facebook.”

Difference Between Responsibility and Accountability in Question

Government officials from the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches confirmed the situation is, quote, “a masterclass in consequences.”

“We’re being asked to save houses that replaced the thing that was already doing the saving,” said a spokesperson. “The dune protected the beach. The houses removed the dune. The absence of the dune now threatens the houses. This is not a mystery. This is a flow chart.”

The official added that residents appear to want a solution where the ocean is restrained, the dune is restored, the houses remain untouched, and no one has to acknowledge basic cause and effect. “They want Schrödinger’s Sea Wall,” the spokesperson said. “It must exist enough to protect their property, but not exist enough to affect the beach. Preferably it should also be invisible, silent, free, and blame climate change for everything.”

Locals insist they are not anti-environment — they are simply pro-environment-as-long-as-it-does-exactly-what-their-architect-promised. “We didn’t build on the dune,” said another resident. “We built where the dune used to be. Big difference.”

At press time, residents were considering alternative solutions, including asking the ocean to “calm down,” installing positive-energy crystals along the shoreline, and lobbying for a heritage listing on their retaining walls so the waves legally cannot touch them.

Meanwhile, the beach continues to erode, the dune continues to not exist, and the houses remain very surprised that the ocean has failed to respect their ocean views and structural footings.