Northern Beaches Dads Confirm Parenting Is a “Living Nightmare,” Immediately Recommend It Anyway

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF THE NORTHERN BEACHES (PRNB) -  A tight-knit group of men from the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches have once again confirmed that having children is financially ruinous, physically exhausting, socially restrictive and logistically similar to running a poorly funded regional airport - before insisting, without evidence, that everyone else should absolutely do it.

The men, most of whom look permanently surprised by their own life choices, spent the weekend explaining in forensic detail how parenthood has destroyed their ability to travel, sleep, save money or leave the house without a military-grade operational plan…. then pivoted seamlessly to telling child-free friends it is “the best thing you’ll ever do.”

“There’s just no freedom anymore,” said father of two, Lachlan from Whale Beach, rubbing his temples while cancelling yet another social meet-up with friends. “You can’t travel, you’re always broke, you’re tired all the time, and you basically exist to ferry small people between activities you didn’t agree to. Anyway, you should definitely have kids. You’ll understand once you do.”

Pressed to clarify what exactly was so good about it, Lachlan paused for several seconds before replying, “You just do. It’s different when they’re yours,” before returning to a 14-minute rant about how daycare costs more than a modest mortgage, school holidays have ruined the concept of joy and at the age of 43, he’s had to buy knee pads to play with his kids on the floor. 

Another father, Tom, described parenthood as “relentless, expensive, and deeply incompatible with personal autonomy,” before adding, “honestly mate, it gives your life meaning,” despite being unable to define what that meaning is beyond “being busy all  and you’re always needed,” before being interrupted mid-sentence by a child-beast yelling from another room.

“When my friends without kids say they’re tired, I laugh,” Tom said. “They don’t know tired. I haven’t slept properly since 2019. Mate, I don’t know why they’re hesitating - having kids is amazing.”

Mixed Signals Result in Mixed Messaging

Men without children have expressed confusion. “They describe their lives like a hostage situation. Every conversation starts with them listing the things they can no longer do,” said local resident and child-free man Daniel from Balgowlah. “Travel - No. Money - No. Sleep - No. Spontaneity – No. Sex - Absolutely not. Then they look me dead in the eye and say, ‘You should do it.’ It’s like being sold a car by someone who keeps describing the engine fire.”

Another child-free man, Ben from Brookvale, said the recommendation often comes with a tone of moral superiority. “They talk about parenting like it’s a character-building exercise everyone else is avoiding,” he said. “But when you ask what the upside is, the answer is always some version of ‘you’ll see’ or ‘it’s hard to explain,’ which is usually code for ‘I need you to validate my decisions.’”

Government officials have weighed in, acknowledging the contradiction but confirming it is deeply entrenched. “The Northern Beaches has a long tradition of people describing an experience as unbearable and then insisting others must participate,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Social Narratives. “It’s how we maintain population growth and shared suffering.”

A senior policy adviser added, “Parents recommending children to non-parents despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary is a cornerstone of the national economy. Without it, we’d have to address childcare costs and work-life balance.”

Despite the complaints, Northern Beaches fathers remain adamant they are not trying to recruit others out of bitterness. “I’m not saying you should have kids because I need company,” said Mark from Fairlight, who has not finished a sentence without being interrupted in six years. “I’m saying you should have kids because… well, because everyone should. Look, it’s hard, okay? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s also the best thing. Just trust me.”

When asked if he would choose to do it again knowing what he knows now, Mark stared into the middle distance and replied, “That’s not a helpful question.” 

No Change to Status Quo

At the time of writing this article, heated discussion looms about how unfair it is that child-free friends can book last-minute holidays, sleep in on weekends, go out-out on a night out, and spend their money on themselves - before agreeing, unanimously, that those same friends are “missing out” and should really consider having kids soon.