Manly Ferry Wharf Unveils “World-Class” Passport Control for Entry into the Northern Beaches

MANLY, PRNB — In a move officials say was “inevitable, overdue, and frankly generous to the rest of Sydney,” the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB) has unveiled a fully operational passport control facility at Manly Ferry Wharf, formally treating arrivals from the city as what they legally are: foreigners.

Commuters arriving at Manly Ferry Wharf this morning were met with what officials are calling “the most sophisticated border security operation ever installed within 12 kilometres of a Harris Farm,” as the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB) officially launched its long-awaited passport control system. It will be operational from 6am to whenever the last ferry of people who “used to live here” arrives.

The new facility, constructed entirely from brushed concrete, reclaimed surfboards and quiet confidence, now requires all arrivals from “the mainland” to present documentation before stepping foot onto The People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches soil.

“We are no longer just a peninsula, we are a principled Republic,” said Passport Czar of The Peoples Republic, Davo from Seaforth. “Entry to the Peoples Republic is a privilege, not a right and this system ensures only culturally aligned individuals are granted entry — people who respect our values of activewear-as-formalwear, passive aggression, and pretending the city doesn’t exist.”

The border uses advanced biometric screening including retinal scans, gait analysis, tattoo screening and an AI-powered facial detector that flags anyone who consciously or sub-consciously thinks “Manly is overrated” or “it’s nice, but a bit far.” Luggage and bag searches will commence next month for restricted items including non-SPF-rated moisturizer and literature spouting political opinions formed west of the Spit. 

Those failing the screening are immediately redirected onto a return ferry and offered a complimentary pamphlet titled “Mosman: It’s Close Enough.”

“This is about protecting our way of life,” said Border Commissioner Skye Harrington-Jones, speaking from behind a sustainably sourced stone podium. “For too long we have allowed unchecked entry from people who think thongs are ‘flip-flops’ and dont know what a point break is. Frankly, it has been chaos.” When asked about concerns the system could slow ferry traffic, Harrington-Jones dismissed the criticism. “If you’re in a rush, you’re already not Northern Beaches material.” 

Tourists Targetted for Trialling the System

Tourists trialing the system appeared confused but impressed. “I thought this was just a beach suburb,” said Greg, 47, from Penrith, moments before being denied entry for asking where he could “get a decent parmi. It was oddly personal. They took my photo, scanned my credit card, and asked me if I had ever owned a boat. There was a guy in a Roosters jersey on the ferry, I do not think they even let him off.”

“They asked where I went to school,” said Daniel, 29, from the Inner West. “Then they asked where my parents went to school. Then they asked why I was standing like that. I panicked and said Bondi was similar. That is when they took me aside.”

An American backpacker described the process as “like going through TSA, but with more judgement. They asked me if I surfed, I said no. They asked if I could learn, I said maybe. They sighed deeply and stamped my passport ‘TEMPORARY.’”

Locals and Government Have Their Say

Locals, meanwhile, have overwhelmingly welcomed the initiative. “Finally,” said longtime resident and part-time life coach, Indigo from Newport. “I’m sick of people arriving without understanding our customs — like not acknowledging anyone outside your immediate Pilates circle.”

The government has confirmed plans to expand the program to road infrastructure with concept plans under review for Spit Bridge, Forest Way and Warringah Road. Wakehurst Parkway was excluded at inception because it would involve fixing the flooding and leaving politicians with nothing to promise in future elections. The Minister for Asphalt and Excuse, Pam from Avalon, announced “This isn’t about isolation, it’s about standards” she said, “we’re not discriminating, we’re excluding.”

As ferry horns echoed across the harbour and continued to dock under the watchful eye of border guards, Minister Davo from Seaforth summed up the republics mood: “We’re not saying we’re better than everyone else and it’s not about keeping people out,” he said “It’s about formalising what we always thought and keeping things the same forever.”

Prepare for Travel Advised 

Passengers are reminded to keep passports ready, attitudes relaxed, and expectations realistic. Welcome to the Northern Beaches. You may enter — but we will be judging you.