People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches Announces Bold Plan to Turn Manly Corso Dribble Fountains

MANLY, PRNB — In what officials are calling “world-class placemaking” and locals are calling “absolutely cooked,” the Government of the People’s Republic of The Northern Beaches has unveiled a proposal to transform the small, gently apologetic dribble fountains along the east of Manly Corso into a full-scale Bellagio-style choreographed water spectacular.

The plan would replace the current ankle-height trickles — best known for dampening thongs and confusing toddlers — with 30-metre water cannons firing in time to Cold Chisel, Vance Joy, INXS and an extended didgeridoo drum and bass remix of Land Down Under every 15 minutes.

“This is about ambition,” said Minister for Optics and Overseas Validation, Lachlan ‘Baz’ Wentworth from Manly. “When tourists think of Manly, we want them to think: Is that the Bellagio? Or is that a surf town with an Optus shop and three chemists?”

According to planning documents, the fountains will include pyrotechnics, laser projections of local real estate prices, and a nightly finale where water jets spell out ‘WE’RE BETTER THAN BONDI’ in  fine mist.

Local residents were less convinced. “I moved here for the quiet coastal lifestyle,” said Frenchs Forest local and part-time life coach, Ashleigh, 34. “Now my oat latte is going to be blasted out of my hand every time the fountains hit the Jimmy Barnes key change.”

Local Sentiment Misaligned with Tourist Experience

Another local, Darren, 57, who hasn’t left the Northern Beaches since the Sydney Olympics, was blunt. “The Corso fountains were perfect. They scared pigeons, reminded tourists that public spaces are mildly disappointing wherever you are and every now and then, gave the world a laugh by unexpectedly changing height to hit a small in the face. This is just government showing off.”

Tourists, however, were reportedly thrilled. “I thought this was the Bellagio already,” said Chad from Ohio, wearing a Manly hoodie purchased 12 minutes earlier. “But if the water starts dancing to AC/DC while I’m eating hot chips, that’s just good value.”

A backpacker from Germany was more cautious. “I came for surfing,” she said. “But if I am unexpectedly soaked while Googling ‘why Australians are like this,’ I will accept it as cultural immersion.”

Government officials insist the project is essential for Manly’s global standing. “Every great international destination has an iconic fountain,” said Deputy Secretary for Infrastructure That Will Get You Wet. “Paris has the Eiffel Tower. Rome has the  has the Trevi. Manly has… a mildly aggressive seagull problem. So this evens the playing field.”

Time, Budget and Capability TBC

When asked about cost, officials confirmed the budget would be “somewhere between a children’s hospital and a Westfield car park upgrade,” but stressed the economic benefits. “Think of the Instagram content,” said the Minister. “Think of the drones, the New Years Eve events. Think of the overseas investors watching water shoot 30 metres into the air and thinking, Yes. I will buy a $4.8 million one-bedroom unit with no parking.”

Construction is expected to begin once three separate community consultations are ignored, two heritage objections are mysteriously ‘lost,’ a case for how it battles climate change is dreamt up and a focus group confirms that locals will complain regardless.

In the meantime, the existing Corso fountains will continue their humble service: lightly cooling feet, confusing dogs, and reminding everyone that in reality, small and underwhelming is exactly on brand for Manly.

The first test show is scheduled for summer, pending wind conditions, noise complaints, and whether the entire Corso accidentally floods into the surf.