Northern Beaches Man Admits Youthful Glow Achieved Through Years of Stealing Wife’s Skincare

CROMER, PRNB — A man long admired for his suspiciously youthful complexion has finally confessed that his secret is not genetics, discipline, lifestyle or “just drinking water,” but a sustained, covert campaign of stealing his wife’s beauty products and pretending he had no idea what they were for.

The man, 41-year-old local resident and part-time lifestyle authority Matt from Cromer, made the admission after years of accepting compliments while nodding vaguely and muttering things like “nah mate, I just don’t stress.”

“I should have probably come clean years ago,” Matt said. “I’ve been using my wife’s serums, creams, oils - if the branding was classy and instructions longer than a shampoo bottle, I was all up on it.” According to Matt, the routine began innocently with “a bit of moisturiser” and escalated into a nightly ritual involving products that cost more per millilitre than petrol. “I don’t even know what half of it does,” he admitted. “I just know the smaller the bottle, the more powerful it is. If it came with a dropper, I used double the directions.”

Friends and Family Suspected Shifty Behavious

Friends say the revelation explains a lot. “We always wondered,” said longtime mate Jason from Terrey Hills. “He’d rock up looking like he’d been professionally restored while the rest of us were ageing like untreated timber. He kept saying things like ‘sleep is important’ while we all knew he was lying.”

Another friend, Luke, said Matt’s glow had become a point of quiet resentment. “He’d give unsolicited advice about staying young,” Luke said. “Meanwhile he’s marinating in products designed for women with twice the discipline and half the audacity.”

Matt’s wife, Sarah, confirmed the discovery was both infuriating and deeply on-brand. “I thought I was losing my mind,” she said. “My eye cream kept running out early. I assumed I was using too much or that inflation had finally come for my face. Turns out it was my husband, quietly anti-ageing himself behind my back….. the prick.”

Sarah said the final straw came when she found Matt reading the back of a bottle like it was a legal document. “He asked me what ‘apply gently using upward motions’ meant,” she said. “That’s when I knew.”

Matt maintains he didn’t realise the financial implications of his actions. “I didn’t know it was that expensive,” he said. “I thought it was all roughly the same price. Coles home band shampoo, Head and Shoulders conditioner, La Mer face serum - how different could it be?”

When informed that a small bottle of one of the creams he had been using costs more than a week’s groceries, Matt reportedly went quiet before saying, “That explains why it works so well.”

Friends say the confession has shattered several long-held illusions. “He had us believing men just age better,” said Jason. “Turns out we’re just lazier and refuse to moisturise.”

Government Wise to Steer Clear 

Government officials have declined to comment directly but confirmed the incident will be referenced in upcoming discussions on the gender skincare gap. “This is a clear case of unlicensed cosmetic redistribution,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Husband Shithousery. “It also confirms that men will happily (and covertly) benefit from the very things they openly mock.”

At press time, Sarah confirmed Matt has been formally banned from her bathroom cabinet and issued his own starter products “so he can stop freeloading and learn responsibility.”

Matt, however, remains an unapologetic prick. “Look, I regret not telling her,” he said. “But I don’t regret the skin. If anything, I regret not stealing her products earlier.”