Authorities Confirm Fuel Crisis is Temporary, But Smug Little Grin on EV Drivers May Be Permanent

NORTHERN BEACHES, PRNB —  Authorities across the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches have confirmed the fuel crisis will eventually pass. The same experts, however, are far less optimistic about the revolting little grin now welded onto the faces of local EV drivers, who have spent the past week floating around the peninsula like self-appointed prophets of a new civilisation.

Residents say the symptoms are impossible to miss.

• That smug little smirk at the traffic lights.
• That unbearable posture in the Bunnings car park.
• That look of spiritual superiority while everyone else is getting financially waterboarded at the bowser.

According to PRNB health officials, the condition usually begins the moment an EV owner says, “Actually I charged at home,” in the same tone medieval kings probably used when announcing land ownership.

From that point on, the transformation is rapid.

• They stop driving and start gliding.
• They stop talking and start delivering sustainability TED Talks.
• They no longer enter conversations — they descend into them, uninvited, to explain kilowatts to people who were simply trying to buy groceries in peace.

One Dee Why man reportedly became so smug after three weeks of not visiting a petrol station that neighbours said his head now moves independently of his body just to sniff out nearby combustion engines.

In Manly, several EV owners have been seen doing slow ceremonial laps purely to let everyone know they are “not affected by all this,” which is a phrase now recognised by authorities as the verbal equivalent of spraying Lynx Africa directly into the open wound of public morale.

The Department of Civil Stability has warned that the crisis is no longer about fuel. It is now about attitude.
“Petrol prices will settle,” a government spokesperson said. “But once somebody starts saying ‘I just use excess solar’ with that level of self-satisfaction, they are no longer a motorist. They are a public nuisance.”

Meanwhile, long-time SUV owners — previously the undefeated champions of Northern Beaches self-importance — have been left traumatised by the horrifying discovery that there is, in fact, someone even more insufferable than them.

Authorities are urging residents not to engage, not to make eye contact, and under no circumstances ask an EV owner a simple question, unless they have 45 minutes spare and want to hear a homemade sermon about torque, battery chemistry, regenerative braking, and how they’ve “honestly never looked back.”

The fuel crisis is temporary.
The EV smugness appears to be generational.

Who’s worse right now — the EV drivers, or the ones pretending they’re not loving every second of this?