Northern Beaches Declares Energy Independence, Harnessing "Untapped Power" of Manly Dam

 MANLY DAM, PRNB — In a decisive move that officials are calling “bold, inevitable and very on brand,” the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches has announced plans to convert the heritage listed Manly Dam into a fully operational hydroelectric power station, securing 3-phase gas and high-pressure electricity for energy independence following a spate of recent power outages that left residents briefly without lights, Wi-Fi, Netflix, PornHub and the ability to boast to strangers that they live in the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches.

The proposal, unveiled at a press conference held on the tailgate of a BYD Ute, will see water released through a series of turbines installed “tastefully and sustainably” near the existing spillway that was originally constructed in 1892. According to government modelling, the project will generate enough 3-phase gas and high pressure electricity to power essential services, including garage fridges, e-bikes, electric vehicles, pool pumps, air conditioners set to ‘Arctic” and at least 73% of outdoor televisions during winter.

Minister for Sovereignty, Energy Infrastructure and Local Exceptionalism, Brad “Baz” Collington from Collaroy, said the move was long overdue. “For too long, the Northern Beaches has been reliant on the mainland grid,” Collington said. “This project ensures we are no longer hostage to events west of Spit Bridge.”

Collington confirmed the power station would be known as The Manly Dam Renewable Freedom Facility, adding that excess electricity may be exported to neighbouring regions such as Mosman and Chatswood “at a premium, once their behaviour improves.”

Innovative World First Technology 

Engineers are giddy at the news having pioneered the technology at the Peoples Republic of the Northern Beaches Institute of Emerging Energy Narratives (PRNBIEEN), which is located above the new Dan Murphys in Frenchs Forest.

Professor Vera Voltman, who spear headed the technology development, explained the innovative technology with enthusiasm. “Water flows down hill, as water famously does, where it is compressed into three turbines” she said. “These turbines apply heat and spin in three different directions, generating 3-phase gas.” 

“The 3-Phase gas is passed into a chamber where it oscillates between regulation and policy documents, getting frustrated and angry” said Professor Voltman, now visibly getting antsy from nervous excitement. “This charged frustration generates energy that is stored in reinforced cable reticulation coils rated to ‘Extremely Dangerous’, allowing it to be pushed harder (or under pressure) in transmission lines throughout the Northern Beaches as electricity.” 

When asked if the system has been appropriately tested before being incorporated into the existing Manly Dam, Professor Voltman confidently justified “we know 3-phase gas is confirmed to be more efficient than single-phase gas because 3 is greater than 1, we also believe pressure and voltage are the same thing if you don’t think about it too much.”

Locals overwhelmingly supportive

Reaction among locals has been swift and largely positive. “This just makes sense,” said Fairlight resident and amateur energy expert Tom H., who asked that his surname be withheld due to ongoing disputes with Ausgrid. “We’ve got water, we’ve got gravity, and we’ve got opinions and we’ve got notions. Why wouldn’t we make our own power and gas?”

Nearby, a woman walking three dogs simultaneously agreed. “Honestly, if this means fewer blackouts during Pilates and streaming services, I’m all for it. Plus, it’s about time the dam started pulling its weight.”

Some residents have expressed concern about the visual impact of turbines on the heritage dam and parkland surrounds, but government officials were quick to reassure the public.

“They’ll be basically invisible,” said Minister for the Environment and Aesthetics, Pippa Langridge. “We’re talking muted colours, natural textures and a design that looks expensive without being flashy — very much in keeping with local values.”

Energy independence a “natural evolution”

Government briefing documents describe the project as part of a broader strategy to validate the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches as a “self-governing, self-powered, self-rated coastal statelet with strong opinions on everything.”

The hydro station will reportedly be complemented by solar panels on select rooftops “that are already large enough to be seen from space,” and a feasibility study into capturing kinetic energy from residents shaking their heads at tourists.

Construction is expected to begin once a community consultation period concludes, or earlier if everyone involved agrees that it’s “basically a done deal.”

As Minister Collington summed up: “This isn’t just about gas and electricity. This is about control. And resilience. And making sure that when the neighbouiring municipality of Sydney goes dark, the Northern Beaches remains brightly lit, slightly smug, and fully charged.”

The first power is expected to be generated later this year with gas a few months later, just in time for winter — and well before the next outage reminds residents that independence, like beachfront property, must be actively maintained.