People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches Unveils "Newport Bypass Tunnel" After Suburb Successfully

NEWPORT, PRNB — Whilst acknowledging that it is “the most Newport decision ever recorded,” the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches (PRNB) have announced a new tunnel connecting Mona Vale directly to Avalon, explicitly designed to avoid Newport altogether, after the suburb’s residents famously petitioned to have the B-Line terminate at Manly Vale rather than suffer the indignity of buses near their streets. 

Yes, the suburb that begged the government to keep rapid public transport away from itself is now being rewarded with a multi-billion-dollar underground workaround so the rest of the peninsula can continue functioning  without having to acknowledge that Newport exists. The proposed tunnel will be entered adjacent the existing Mona-Vale G-Brothers Mercedes dealership, motorists will reticulate silently underneath Newport and Bilgola Plateau before exiting back into the 21st century after the Royal Avalon Clubhouse.  

To ensure that life, customs and traditions of the area are retained and celebrated with the new tunnel, a "Life Event Community Billboard" will be incorporated for hanging handmade public notice signs to announce the celebration of  birthdays, weddings, homecomings and vasectomys. 

The republic-building, spiritually aligned tunnel will be managed by the Neighbouring municipality of NSW through their Transport for NSW (TfNSW) authority — because they already own and operate tunnels and apparently that’s how qualifications work now.  

To ensure optimal tunnel operational vibes, every road in Avalon will also be handed over to TfNSW. Barrenjoey Road? State significant. That weird lane adjacent The Yorkshire Rose? Strategic transport corridor. Your driveway? Classified as a feeder ramp (pending gazettal). It’s a small price to pay for progress. After all, nothing says local autonomy like outsourcing your cul-de-sacs to a department headquartered eight postcodes and a  employee conduct inquiry away. 

“The B-Line Was a Step Too Far”

For those new to the saga: when plans emerged to extend the B-Line bus service beyond Manly Vale, Newport residents mobilised faster than a Facebook Marketplace listing for a $50 surfboard rack.

The objection? Buses.

Big double deck ones.

Yellow ones.

Ones carrying people.

“We’re not anti-transport,” said Felicity, 39, Newport, in 2018. “We’re just anti this transport, near us, used by others.” 

The petition, which cited concerns including “village character,” “visual noise,” “energetic disruption,” and "a trojan horse for progress" successfully ensured the B-Line stopped at Manly Vale, a suburb Newport residents regard as having “a more appropriate demographic.”

PRNB Minister for Infrastructure and Selective Accessibility, Hon. Trent Holloway, reflected on the outcome. “They didn’t want the B-Line. They didn’t want traffic. They didn’t want accessibility. What they wanted was exclusivity with ocean glimpses.” 

Enter: THE TUNNEL

The PRNB has opted for the nuclear option: a tunnel from Mona Vale to Avalon, passing silently beneath Newport like a passive-aggressive email. “This tunnel is what happens when a suburb opts out of society,” Holloway said. “We respect their decision to remain unreachable.”

The tunnel will allow commuters to travel north without:

• Sitting through Newport traffic
• Making eye contact with anyone wearing a linen shirt
• Being silently judged for driving a car older than 2021

Design Brief and Specifications: Built for Avoidance

Engineers confirmed the tunnel will run deep enough to avoid disturbing Newport’s natural habitat, including:

• Life coaches
• Breathwork practitioners
• Men named Hugo who “consult”
• Women who say “we just don’t want it to become like Manly.”

Air inside the tunnel will be carefully filtered to remove:

• Exhaust fumes
• Diesel particles
• The word “bus”

Emergency exits will not open into Newport “to prevent confusion.”

Newport Residnets Respond with Outrage and Relief 

Despite the tunnel being explicitly designed to honor Newport’s long-standing wish to be bypassed, residents were still set to theior defualt setting - absolutley furious.

“We just don’t understand why people feel the need to travel through Newport,” said Sebastian, 44, while blocking a driveway. “If you don’t live here, why are you here?”

Others were concerned the tunnel might still bring attention. “Why is this being publicly announced like this, it's so inappropriate and the tunnel is already increasing awareness of Newport” asked Claudia, 51. “That’s sort of the opposite of what we’re going for.”

MANLY VALE: STILL COPPING IT

Manly Vale residents, meanwhile, expressed quiet exhaustion at continuing to serve as Newport’s designated transport buffer zone.

“We’ve got the buses, the depot, the traffic, and the noise,” said Rob, 62. “But sure — Newport needs protecting…... I’ll accept a compromise if the tunnel will be named the 'Nagi Maeashi Super Noodle'.”

The suburb has formally requested compensation in the form of “one shred of respect.”

AVALON DECLARES IT A WIN

Avalon locals welcomed the tunnel as further proof that they are both remote and important. “This makes Avalon feel exclusive but accessible,” said Jasper, 34, holding a $8 long black. “Which is exactly how we like ourselves.”

PRNB’S FINAL WORD

The PRNB defended the decision with Minister Holloway concluding “Newport made it very clear they don’t want buses, infrastructure, or strangers. So we listened.... also the tunnel multi-billion dollar price tag has been found to be more cost effective than arguing with Newport locals that just want to have an issue for issues sake. ”

Construction is set to begin once Newport finishes opposing it, supporting it, and then opposing it again. At press time, a new Newport petition was circulating — this time demanding the tunnel be deeper, quieter, and reticulated through the subaqueous of Pittwater instead of the rock underneath Newport itself.

The B-Line bus, meanwhile, remains parked at Manly Vale, doing its best and being blamed for everything.