PRNB Shoppers Furious Afer Learning Coles 'Down Down' Prices Were Referring To Their Bank Balances

NORTHERN BEACHES, PRNB — Residents of the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches have reacted with calm, grace and absolutely no overreaction after learning Coles misled shoppers over fake “discounts,” confirming what locals have suspected since a packet of Tim Tams started costing roughly the same as a strata report.

Across Dee Why, Balgowlah, Mona Vale and Manly, shoppers were seen staring at yellow price tags like they had just uncovered Watergate in the cereal aisle. One Collaroy dad said alarm bells first rang when a “DOWN DOWN” packet of kettle chips somehow cost more than parking at Manly.

“I knew something was cooked when the half-price dishwasher tablets still required a broker, a guarantor and a clean credit history,” he said, clutching a Flybuys card that had delivered him 11 points and no dignity.

Northern Beaches mums were hardest hit, with several now forced to admit “I only buy things on special” may not be the financial strategy they believed it was. Experts say locals no longer know the real price of anything, after years of bright yellow stickers convincing them $9 strawberries were “basically free” because they were allegedly $11 during the reign of Queen Victoria.

Scenes turned ugly at Balgowlah Coles when one shopper discovered the “WAS $8.50 NOW $8.40” tag was not, in fact, a public service.

Meanwhile, Avalon residents have demanded a royal commission, Newport has blamed outsiders, and Manly shoppers say the real crime is still having to pack your own bags after paying $143 for ingredients that make one salad and half a school lunch.

The ACCC says consumers deserve transparency. Northern Beaches locals say they’d settle for walking into Coles without needing pre-approval from Macquarie Bank before buying coriander.