PRNB Villain Idenitified After Man Boards Bus With Flu-Like Symptoms As If Covid Was Just A Rumour

NORTHERN BEACHES, PRNB — The People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches has identified its newest villain after a man allegedly boarded the B-Line at Warriewood last Tuesday morning while displaying flu symptoms strong enough to make the windows fog up from fear.

Witnesses say the man entered the bus coughing, sniffing and breathing with the confidence of someone who learnt absolutely nothing from 2020, 2021, QR codes, lockdowns, RAT tests, public health ads or the collective trauma of watching people fight over toilet paper in Woolworths.

Even more disturbingly, the man was not wearing a mask.

Not even a chin mask.

Not even one of those useless dangling-ear masks people wore while pretending to care.

Just raw, unfiltered respiratory arrogance from Warriewood to Wynyard.

Passengers reportedly began shifting away from him in stages, starting with polite side-eye, followed by silent panic, then full spiritual evacuation. One commuter from Mona Vale said she knew something was wrong when the coughing began “with bass.”

“It wasn’t a little cough,” she said. “It had infrastructure. It sounded like the Wakehurst Parkway flooding from inside his chest.”

The crisis escalated near Dee Why when the man allegedly sneezed into his hand, held the pole, then continued scrolling his phone like he hadn’t just declared biological war on the lower deck.

By Brookvale, three passengers had opened the Service NSW app out of reflex, one woman was calculating whether she could still taste coffee, and a man in corporate activewear was seen whispering, “I can’t get sick, I’ve got Pilates and a mortgage review.”

Officials from the Republic’s Department of Public Sniffles and Shared Air confirmed the incident is now being treated as a major breach of community standards. “Getting on public transport while sounding like a leaf blower full of custard is not brave,” said Deputy Minister for Unsolicited Droplets, Karen Throatcroft. “It is an act of commuter terrorism.”

Authorities say the man’s refusal to wear a mask was especially confronting given the B-Line is already a confined emotional pressure cooker filled with school bags, wet umbrellas, Bluetooth calls and people pretending they don’t live north of Narrabeen.

“This is not about fear,” said one passenger. “This is about basic manners. If you’re coughing like a haunted diesel engine, maybe don’t board a sealed tube full of strangers at 7:42am and breathe into the pensioner section.”

The man has not yet been named, although locals have already labelled him Patient B-Line Zero. Meanwhile, residents are calling for urgent reforms, including cough-free carriages, sneeze exclusion zones, mandatory masks for anyone making “wet noises,” and a public shame bell installed at Warriewood for anyone boarding while visibly contagious.

At the time of publication, the man was believed to be recovering at home, while 47 passengers were still convincing themselves their sore throat was probably just “dry air.”