Anonymous Former PM Proposes 16m Statue of Himself in Budgy Smugglers at Dee WHy

DEE WHY, PRNB —  The People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches has received what experts are calling “the most humble proposal in Australian history” — an application from an anonymous former prime minister to erect a 16-metre bronze statue of himself at the entrance of 800 Pittwater Road, Dee Why. Since nobody knows where 800 Pittwater Road is in Dee Why, we’ll use the local reference - “The Officeworks junction”.

The statue would replace the decaying, graffiti-blessed Officeworks sign currently waiting patiently for redevelopment by St Luke’s Grammar School in 2029. 

The anonymous applicant, who signs his emails “Big Tones,” insists the monument is “purely for community uplift and definitely nothing to do with insecurities triggered by Jacinda Ardern moving to the Northern Beaches.” Many have suggested that the applicant bears an uncanny resemblance to Tony Abbott.

The Statue: Visionary. Monumental. Slightly Oily.

Inspired by the Colossus of Rhodes, the proposed sculpture will depict the anonymous former leader supported by greater earthquake protection:

• Wearing trademark budgy smugglers
• Heroic
• Biting directly into a raw onion like it personally offended him.

The onion will be rendered in high-polish bronze so it “catches the late afternoon sun and blinds doubters.”

At 16 metres tall, the statue would be roughly:

• 15      metres taller than the Officeworks sign
• 14      metres taller than subtlety
• 13      metres taller than self-awareness.

A draft plaque reads: “He led. He surfed. He chewed.”

“This Is About Western Civilisation, Not Me”

In a handwritten statement, the anonymous proponent wrote: “The Northern Beaches deserves a strong, onion-forward presence. Someone must stand tall. In budgy smugglers.” When asked why Dee Why was chosen, the applicant allegedly replied: “Strategic positioning. If Jacinda lands north of the Spit, she’ll see it immediately.”

This appears to reference persistent rumours that Jacinda Ardern was spotted inspecting coastal property in the People’s Republic of the Northern Beaches “with intent.” A margin note on the proposal reads: “Cannot allow rival charisma or popular former Prime Ministers within 10km radius.”

Ministers of the Republic Respond

The People’s Republic Minister for Ego Containment, Comrade Marina Wavecrest, issued a measured response: “We fought hard to remove colonial relics. We did not anticipate a live reinstallation attempt.” The Minister also confirmed that the application was initially flagged as performance art and added, “We assumed this was a joke submission by a joke man. Then we saw the engineering drawings.” 

The Republic’s Cultural Preservation Unit has also raised concerns that the statue may qualify as a “revolting hazard.”

Local Reaction: Mixed Horror but Mostly Alarmed

One Dee Why resident commented: “Look, I don’t love the collapsing Officeworks sign. But at least it’s not staring into my soul while eating produce.”

Another local added: “If I wanted to feel judged by a middle-aged man in budgy smugglers, I’d go to Manly at sunrise.” A third resident whispered: “If this goes up before the tunnel, I’m moving to Curl Curl.”

The Real Reason

Political observers believe the statue proposal is motivated by:

1. Immortalisation anxiety — Wikipedia can’t bronze you.
2. Pre-Emptive Dominance Strategy before Jacinda Ardern moves to teh Northern Beaches
3. A deep, masoginistic primal need to loom.

An insider close to the applicant described the statue as “Part legacy. Part flex. Part horticultural warfare.”

What Replaces the Officeworks Sign?

When asked why the derelict Officeworks sign couldn’t simply be restored or beautified, the anonymous applicant reportedly said: “Australia deserves better than office supplies.”

The redevelopment by St Luke’s Grammar School remains scheduled for 2029 — unless, of course, a 16-metre onion-biting colossus gets there first.

Final Word from the Republic

The People’s Republic has issued a provisional planning assessment - “We acknowledge the applicant’s commitment to height, shine and personal mythology. However, the Republic maintains a strict no-unsolicited-mega-statue policy, particularly those capable of casting a shadow over Curl Curl.”

Until further notice, the Officeworks sign will remain — faded, peeling, slightly graffitied — bravely symbolising something far more Northern Beaches than bronze:

Waiting. And frankly, still less dramatic.